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What ODAC Mascots Could I Beat Up?

The 2021-22 school year starts soon, and with it comes the beginning of competition in the Old Dominion Athletic Conference(ODAC). Since I'm no longer an athlete in the conference, and I'm currently kicking off Week 4 of living in a hotel (long story) with nothing to entertain me but my mind and my phone/laptop, I figured I would let my creative juices flow and consider the question I never got to ask myself in my four years: what mascots in my conference could I beat up?

Disclaimer: This should not be taken seriously, and I have nothing but full respect for every athletic program in the ODAC. Even Hampden-Sydney. I would also like to credit the Reddit post that inspired this.

15. Hollins College

Hollins doesn’t actually have a mascot so I’m not entirely sure what to put here?

Verdict: No contest.

14. Guilford Quakers

Quakers have historically been known to take the practice of non-violence and loving one’s enemies fairly seriously. Which means I could beat the crap out of one fairly easily, but I like to think of myself as a somewhat decent person so I’d probably call the fight off instead.

Verdict: Win/no contest.

13. Virginia Wesleyan Marlins

Turns out Marlins are SIGNIFICANTLY bigger than I thought they were-on average, they’re 11 feet long and weigh 200 to 400 pounds. Still, assuming it’s a normal marlin and doesn’t have fists or any motivation for fighting me beyond mistaking me for an eleven year old girl with pigtails and headgirl that has his only child captive in a bag, its only defense mechanism would be flopping around so I could land punches fairly easily.

Verdict: Win

12. Emory and Henry Wasps

Assuming it’s the bug, I’d get stung to shit. Luckily I’m not allergic to wasps, so I could probably just hit it with a fly swatter.

Verdict: Win

1 1. Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets

Depends what Yellow Jacket we’re talking about here. If it’s the bug, getting hurt would suck but it would be easy. If it’s the jacked up angry thing currently in the athletic logo I think I’d probably be screwed . If it’s this thing, I’m toast. The dude literally has blood dripping from its stinger, and that’s the face of a determined, angry man. On the other hand, this is my alma mater so I would like to avoid getting in a fight with Buzz if possible.

Verdict: Preferable No Contest

10. Lynchburg Hornets

Refer to Randolph-Macon and Emory and Henry. Also, the conference has a bug problem.

Verdict: Win

9. Shenandoah Hornets

Refer to the multiple other flying-bug-that-stings mascots in this. Someone needs to call an exterminator. Except for Randolph-Macon, they can live.

Verdict: Win

8. Sweet Briar Vixens

Foxes aren’t dangerous to humans according to the Humane Society, but if I was to fight one it would likely be rabid knowing my luck so who knows?

Verdict: Neutral/Win

7. Eastern Mennonite Royals

If we’re going by a royal, then I’m going to imagine some 18th, and I could probably win a fight against some dude who spends most of his time sitting on a throne. If we’re going off of the mascot, it’s a lion and I’m dead.

Verdict: Depends

6. Bridgewater Eagles

I would lose, mostly because I feel like repeatedly getting bitten by a bird would hurt and I would cut my losses and give up. I’ve also seen The Birds so I know they can really give you a beating.

Verdict: Loss

5. Roanoke Maroons

In the sport that I played in college, we had a bit of a rivalry with Roanoke. I thought at first that I would have a decent change against a maroon-tailed hawk. Unfortunately, these things are huge. Like if I was chilling in a parking spot because a good song came on as I was pulling in and one came and landed on my windshield, I would probably abandon ship. So, I would probably go down fighting.

Verdict: Loss

4. Washington and Lee Generals

A general is the highest achievable rank in the United States Armed Forces, so theoretically they would be in peak physical condition and much more expierienced in combat than I am. So I would probably lose.

Verdict: Loss

3. Randolph WildCats

Assuming a WildCat is just a fancy way of saying wildcat, I would get mauled and die.

Verdict: Loss

2. Hampden-Sydney Tigers

It’s a tiger. I’m f*cked.

Verdict: Loss. Dead. Very dead.

1. Ferrum Panthers

It’s a panther. I would almost certainly get killed by a panther. Especially this one.

Verdict: Loss

End Score: 7-6

Just as I was a fairly middle-of-the pack athlete during my days as an athlete in the ODAC, I finish with an almost completely average record. Not too bad if I do say so myself. Congrats to Ferrum on winning this; it probably should have been Hampden-Sydney in all honesty, but as a Macon alum I couldn't let them win in good conscience.

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