Week 1: The Good(Stafford), The Bad(Rodgers), and the Ugly(Atlanta)




After an exceptionally long seven months, football is back, and seemingly back to normal. Stadiums are full, tailgates are packed, and the Lions still suck. After a week of some very thrilling games, the league is awash with debates as to whether the excitement will continue into Week 2, and whether the poor souls(my face is reflected in my TV screen as I type this) that suffered week 1 losses in fantasy football will rebound with a victory in Week 2.


The Good


1. California Love


Matt Stafford shined with the Rams in his debut, completing 20 of 26 passing attempts for three touchdowns en route to a 34-14 dismantling of Chicago in what effectively amounted to a Bear hunt. As disappointed as I am with my fantasy defense for the two touchdowns they managed to give up, I'm not sure it would have helped much anyway thanks to the later emergence of Darrell Henderson in the second half.





2. Let the Good Times Roll


The heir apparent to the Purdue Pistol, Jameis Winston was the Brees Knees on Sunday, reducing the Packers defense to a mere lump of moldy cheese with a 38-3 drubbing in front of an adoring "home" crowd. After getting Lasik in the offseason, he seemingly had a laser for an arm, becoming the first-ever QB to throw five touchdowns with zero interceptions in his first career start with a new team.





The Bad


1. The "Fancy Like" Applebees commercial


Look- I'll be the first to admit that Fancy Like is actually a pretty decent song, as far as country-pop-that's-more-pop-than-country music goes. Am I going to play it at a tailgate or on a boat? No. Will I skip it if it comes on in the car? Also no.


With that being said, Applebees has taken it, squeezed any sort of enjoyability on it, and handed it to you way overdone, just like they do a steak( I haven't had an Applebees' steak since I last went there about ten years ago, but that's a story for another time). This weekend, the only thing more disappointing than how certain players on my fantasy team performed-I'm convinced Kyle Shanahan was forced to spend 24 hours inside of a Waffle House after getting last in his league at some point in the last 30 years and that's why he hates it so much-was how much I had to watch that commercial.


2. The Bachelor Crowd


If you ever want to go viral on Twitter, watch an episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise, tweet something with the appropriate SpongeBob meme and hashtag, and watch the likes flow in.


With that said, the Bachelor fanbase was very dismayed Monday night when the show was eschewed from ABC in favor of the broadcast of Monday Night Football featuring the Manning brothers:





Hopefully, some of them stayed for the game and got to see some of the late-night dramatics.


2. Green Bay Beatdown


I saw a conspiracy theory that Aaron Rodgers came back this season just to tank the Packers and in all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that were true, at least not considering he spent the offseason adamant that the only Pack-ing he wanted to do was his locker. The MVP hangover that he's beginning this season with is arguably only comparable to when you "try" moonshine one night and proceed to wake up in a bush the next state over. He finished Sunday's game with just 15 of 28 pass attempts completed and was intercepted twice. Sam Greenwood/ Getty Images





3. Trevor Lawrence


Perhaps this doesn't really belong in the "Bad" section; after all, he's played in one game, and we've definitely seen worse NFL debuts. On the other hand, this IS arguably the most coveted #1 pick in a good while, one that was predicted to go first overall as a freshman in college, and despite the three passing touchdowns, he also threw three picks.


On the other hand, this was his first regular-season loss. His Clemson career is one of legend, to the point where whoever gets tasked with sculpting the statue that will go outside of Death Valley will have a tall task in building the bronze locks of the guy that didn't lose a college game until his sophomore year, when he faced off in the national championship against the man who preceded him in getting picked #1. Fantasy football players and fans alike will rue the day that Trevor Lawrence lops his luscious locks.


In my opinion, Trevor Lawrence had quite honestly a perfectly average NFL debut. He plays for a team that won a single game last year and played a team that's somehow been the target of more trash can jokes than their MLB counterparts 16 minutes away. Hall of Fame coach and former golden boy of the NCAA gridiron aside, I don't think it was a terrible matchup. On the other hand, because "The Good, the Average, the Bad, and the Ugly" doesn't quite have the same ring to it as the spaghetti western of the same name, he gets relegated to the "Bad" section. Sorry, bud.





The Ugly


1. 49ers Fantasy Owners

If you have Deebo Samuel, keep scrolling. Fellow owners of Brandon Aiyuk, George Kittle, and Raheem Mostert, I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on. Aiyuk got zero touches whatsoever(partially due to Trent Sherfield getting more playing time due to ongoing injury concerns, although there are indications that there's more than meets the eye), Kittle ran for 78 yards on 5 touches, and Mostart is now out for the year after it was announced that he will undergo season-ending knee surgery. Leonard Fournette, welcome to my starting lineup. Make yourself at home.


2. The Birds


The Birds, in this case, is not the 1963 classic horror film. Rather, it's the Atlanta-based NFL franchise that with Matt Ryan looks slightly like that one Ninja Turtles meme except for the fact that most of the people who would be in that picture are now gone. In their season opener against the Dirty Birds, the less superior birds got ran out of their own house by a very much a-lot-to-a-little score of 32-6. Fun fact: 32-6 is also the final record of the Notre Dame basketball team that almost beat the almost undefeated Kentucky basketball team in the Elite Eight. Take that information as you will. Falcons fans can take solace in the fact that the Georgia Bulldogs(if you support both the Falcons and Georgia Tech, I'm also going to assume that chains and whips excite you) are #2 in the country, although given that this season seems to be a repeat of the 2007 season that seems like the South Carolina Gamecocks might change that.

For more mediocre sports takes and awful jokes, follow Jason Sallade on Twitter.


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