The NBA Rundown
Written by: Shael Plofsky
New York Knicks 103 @ Philadelphia 76ers 96
The New York Knicks came off of a tough loss against Ricky “Michael Jordan” Rubio and looked to come back with vengeance against the Philadelphia M*A*S*H 76ers. Without Rihanna’s future man, J. Cole’s stunt double, and Matisse Thybulle, Philly was very short handed coming into this one. The game was closer than anticipated however. Julius “Antwaan” Randle “El” threw about one pass the entire game. Don’t care how many assists he had, he does not pass. He did have 31 points though which was nice. RJ “First team defense” Barrett put “Milk” Shake Milton in a blender tonight as he struggled all night. Andre “The Giant” Drummond is in the NBA to grab rebounds. Don’t forget that. This man inhaled 25 rebounds. The Knicks came out victorious behind The Taj Mahal’s 7 points and covered the even spread.
Brooklyn Nets 95 @ Chicago Bulls 118
Chicago was absolutely electric with Brooklyn coming to town on a monday night. This was a statement game from both teams and another opportunity for Blake Griffin to show that he won’t punch an equipment manager. James “Corden” Harden couldn’t wait until the late night show to hit the strip clubs as he had 14/8/5 in this outing. Kevin “McCallister” Durant was home alone tonight in the loss with 38 points. Zach “Avril” Lavine skater boy’d his way to 24/5/5. Lonzo “Bull” was a menace. Nikola Vucevic looks like an uncle at a BBQ who is strangely good at cornhole. Ayo Goatsunmu was a goat in the win, dropping 15 points with a +22 on the floor.
Minnesota Timberwolves 118 @ Memphis Grizzlies 125 OT
The Memphis Grizzlies made sure that all of their social media accounts were secured with Karl Anthony-Towns and the Minnesota Timberwolves coming to town. They also were reassured that they wouldn’t be recorded out of the ordinary because D’Angelo Russell was also making the trip. KAT clearly gave his password away today and liked another post after hitting the half court shot to send the game to overtime. He finished the game with 25 points and 13 rebounds Ja “Rule” Morant mesmerized the Timberwolves as he was always on time with his reads and realized that life ain’t a game. Ja played phenomenal with a stat line of 33/8/6. Triple J continues to be underwhelming. Jason Momoa once again went under the stage name Steven Adams to be able to grab only 3 rebounds in the win. Overtime thriller where 82 combined points from KAT, D-Loading, and the Ant Man could not get the job done.
New Orleans Pelicans 92 @ Dallas Mavericks 108
Zion made sure that he made the trip when he heard about the barbeque they have in Dallas, Texas. The struggling Pelicans didn’t quite bump into Jason Kidd resulting in ice to hit the floor. They actually hardly even phased him. Dallas won this game before it even started. Jonas “Brothers” Valanciunas made Porzingis look like he was on the disney channel after going for 22/11 on him and having his way all night. Jonas and Josh Hart were really the only bright spots as he also had 22 points. Jalen “Potential top 10 college basketball player of all-time” Brunson played very well scoring 17 points on 12 shots. Luka “less body fat than Zion” Doncic was himself once again with 25/5/5 and powered the Mavericks to a 7-3 record through 10 games.
Miami Heat 96 @ Denver Nuggets 113
The 7-2 Miami Heat left the beaches for the mountains as they faced off against Bol Bol’s bench seat and the Nuggets. Denver is a tough place to play with the elevation and you already know Markieff Morris is going to be short of breath after getting layed out by Nikola “Ray Lewis” Jokic. Regardless of the Jokic ejection, he dominated the Heat and recorded a triple double having a 25/15/10 stat line. Edrice “Bam” Adebayo struggled for the Heat, only recording 10 points today. Jimmy “The” Butler “Did it” was the sole bright spot for the Heat coasting to 31 points. Jack Harlow would’ve been disappointed with his boys performance today. The Nuggets take care of business at home.
Atlanta Hawks 113 @ Golden State Warriors 127
The current best team in the NBA hosted Quavo’s favorite team in the Bay Area. And how good was Stephen “King” Curry. He was shining as he broke the Atlanta Hawks and took the bag of bones back to California. Steph negated the Ice from Trae Young’s 28 points and made it rain with his 50 bomb. Draymond “Groin kick” Green continues to be the full package. Clint Capela was awful and does not deserve a nickname for the performance he had against the Warriors. Again, the Warriors are legit and will be scary with Klay back. Kevin Huerter is still a ginger.
Phoenix Suns 109 @ Sacramento Kings 104
The Phoenix Suns will continue to have an under the radar season as they went into Sacramento to take on the slowly improving Kings. No Deandre Ayton in this one as he was still learning from his PED mistake. JAVALE MCGEE stayed off of Shaqtin’ in this one. Chris Paul was clearly insured tonight as he needed a neighbor to help him out and got a full team effort in the win. Harrison “Ford'' Barnes was a temple of doom leading the Kings with 26 points and continues to go for that most improved award. De’Aaron Fox “Trot” Danced around the defense of the Suns all night but it wasn’t enough. Frank “The Tank” Kaminsky missed both threes tonight.
Hornets 123 @ Lakers 126 OT
The second overtime game of the night occurred in LA when Michael Jordan’s team came into the city of Tik Tok. LaMelo Ball “State University” took the Lakers to school with a clean triple double and another dominating performance. 25 points, 11 assists, and 15 rebounds for LaMelo as he continues to show that he is the real deal.”Scary” Terry Rozier was actually scary today for the first time in a long time with 29 points. Hate on him all you want, but Westbrook is Mr. Triple Double and he did it in a win. Anthony “Day-to” Davis led everyone with 32 points. Carmelo has been playing like he is in the Olympics and hit clutch threes all night.